Holy Joke

The Jokes

Here they are!

Holy Jokes

These jokes are in no particular order other than in order of when I get them! When there are loads of them, I may categorise them. Use the 'Find' facility on your browser to search for keywords of a joke you may be looking for.

My husband is a preacher but he doesn't have his own church right now so we travel from church to church a lot. Right after he began his ministry we were on our way to a church when our 3yr old daughter asks:
"Daddy, why do we have to go to a different church?"
To which my husband replied:
"Because we have to go where God tells us to go."
And our daughter replied:
"I think God is telling us to our church today, daddy."

Posted 26 April 2002
Submitted by Swana Meeks

An athiest was walking along through a forest admiring all that the accident of nature had produced. Ariver rippled along near the track whilst birds flew overhead. All was beautiful. Suddenly he heard a loud crashing noise behind him, and looking round, saw a large bear come out of the bushes and start to come towards him. He turned and ran but the bear closed the gap. The man suddenly tripped over a root and fell, the bear closing in,lowering one paw and raising the other to strike. In desperation the athiest cried" Help me God".
Everything stopped. The river stopped flowing, the birds stopped flying and there was total silence. A light shone downonto the scene and a voice said "After all these years as an athiest younow dare to call on me for help"? The athiest replied "maybee it's too late for me now but can you do one thing for me"?
"What is that" said God?
"Perhaps you could turn the bear into a christian", said the athiest. "Very well" said God.
The river and all the other activities began again. The athiest looked at the bear who slowly lifted his left paw from the man and dropping his right paw, brought them together, and said"For what we are about to receive...."

Posted 26 April 2002
Submitted by Jim Cross

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"

Posted 2 December 2001
Submitted by Teresa

Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God made you, Grandpa?" "Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered. A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too? "Yes, He did," the grandpa answered. For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in a small mirror. Her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."

Posted 2 December 2001

The Protestant Dictionary

AMEN: The only part of any prayer that everyone knows.

AND IN CONCLUSION: A required statement midway through the sermon.

BAPTISTRY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the sermon.

CHOIR: 1. A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to pantomime singing.
2. If the music is quality, the words cannot be understood.
3. If the words are quality, the music is lousy.

HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO.
2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Protestant Churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of the service, consisting of the pastors, the choir, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song on Sunday AM, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

UNKNOWN TONGUES: Mother's pantomime instructions to her kids from the choir.

USHERS: The only people in the church who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

Posted 2 December 2001

Question and Answer

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Posted 2 December 2001

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

Posted 2 December 2001

Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.

"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas, " he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

Posted 2 December 2001

What We Pray For

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could to get to Sunday School. As she ran, she prayed.

"Dear Lord, please don't let me be late. Dear Lord, please don't let me be late" .... at this moment she tripped and fell, getting her clothes dirty.

She got up, brushed herself off and started running again, praying, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...but DON'T SHOVE me anymore!"

Posted 2 December 2001

A Churchgoer wrote a letter to the editor of the newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday. "I've gone for 30 years now," he wrote, "and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 sermons. But for the life of me I can't remember a single one of them. So I think I'm wasting my time and the pastors are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all."

This started a real controversy in the "Letters to the Editor" column, much to the delight of the editor. It went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher:

I've been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals. But for the life of me, I cannot recall what the menu was for a single one of those meals. But I do know this: they all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work. If my wife had not given me those meals, I would be dead today."

No comments were made on the sermon contents anymore.

Posted 2 December 2001

A Mother was reading a Bible story to her young daughter. She read "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt".

Her daughter asked, "What happened to the flea?"

Posted 2 December 2001

Wish you were Jewish

It was a small town and the Catholic Priest, the Protestant Minister and the Jewish Rabbi were very good friends. Of course, there was a lot of kidding and joking between them all year long.

To their surprise one year, the Priest and the Minister received a Christmas card from the Rabbi. It read:

Roses are reddish, Violets are bluish When the Messiah really comes You'll wish you were Jewish.

Posted 2 December 2001

A college class was led by an atheist professor, and every day he'd stand in front of his class and say, "Have you ever seen God?" to which nobody would answer. Then he'd ask, "Have you ever felt God?" and nobody would answer. Finally he'd ask, "Have you ever heard God?" and, like the other times, nobody would answer. He then would say, "It is obvious that there is no God."

One day a Christian student had been having an extremely bad day; her car broke down, her mother was sick, her boyfriend was out of town, and she'd gotten a bad grade on one of her exams. She had been fed up with her professor's little act every morning, so she decided to do something about it.

While the professor stood up at the beginning of class and did his thing, the student had an idea. She got up and said, "Professor, would you mind if I said something?" He said, "Of course not. This is an expressive classroom, and I think it would be fine if you spoke your mind."

The girl said to the class, "Have you ever seen our professor's brain?" and nobody answered. Then she asked, "Have you ever felt our professor's brain?" and nobody answered. Finally she asked, "Have you ever heard our professor's brain?" and, like the other times, nobody answered.

She then said, "It is quite obvious that our professor has no brain."

Posted 2 December 2001

(Not exactly a joke, but worth sharing)

Jack took a long look at his speedometer before slowing down: 73 in a 55 zone. Fourth time in as many months. How could a guy get caught so often?

When his car had slowed to 10 miles an hour, Jack pulled over, but only partially. Let the cop worry about the potential traffic hazard. Maybe some other car will tweak his backside with a mirror.

The cop was stepping out of his car, the big pad in hand. Bob? Bob from Church?

Jack sunk farther into his trench coat. This was worse than the Coming ticket. A Christian cop catching a guy from his own church. A guy who happened to be a little eager to get home after a long day at the office.

A guy he was about to play golf with tomorrow.

Jumping out of the car, he approached a man he saw every Sunday, a man he'd never seen in uniform.

"Hi, Bob. Fancy meeting you like this."

"Hello, Jack." No smile.

"Guess you caught me red-handed in a rush to see my wife and kids."

"Yeah, I guess so."

Bob seemed uncertain. Good. "I've seen some long days at the office lately. I'm afraid I bent the rules a bit -- just this once."

Jack toed at a pebble on the pavement. "Diane said something about roast beef and potatoes tonight. Know what I mean?"

"I know what you mean. I also know that you have a reputation in the precinct."

Ouch. This was not going in the right direction. Time to Change tactics.

"What'd you clock me at?"

"Seventy. Would you sit back in your car please?"

"Now wait a minute here, Bob. I checked as soon as I saw you. I was barely nudging 65." The lie seemed to come easier with every ticket.

"Please, Jack, in the car."
Flustered, Jack hunched himself through the still-open door. Slamming it shut, he stared at the dash board. He was in no rush to open the window.

The minutes ticked by. Bob scribbled away on the pad. Why hadn't he asked for a driver's license? Whatever the reason, it would be a month of Sundays before Jack ever sat near this cop again. A tap on the door jerked his head to the left. There was Bob, a folded paper in hand. Jack rolled down the window a mere two inches, just enough room for Bob to pass him the slip.

"Thanks." Jack could not quite keep the sneer out of his voice. Bob returned to his police car without a word. Jack watched his retreat in the mirror. Jack unfolded the sheet of paper. How much was this one going to cost? Wait a minute. What was this? Some kind of joke? Certainly not a ticket. Jack began to read:

"Dear Jack, Once upon a time I had a daughter. She was six when killed by a car. You guessed it -- a speeding driver. A fine and three months in jail, and the man was free. Free to hug his daughters. All three of them.

I only had one, and I'm going to have to wait until Heaven before I can ever hug her again. A thousand times I've tried to forgive that man. A thousand times I thought I had. Maybe I did, but I need to do it again. Even now. Pray for me. And be careful, Jack, my son is all I have left. Bob"

Jack turned around in time to see Bob's car pull away and head down the road. Jack watched until it disappeared. A full 15 minutes later, he too, pulled away and drove slowly home, praying for forgiveness and hugging a surprised wife and kids when he arrived.

Flustered, Jack hunched himself through the still-open door. Slamming it shut, he stared at the dashboard. He was in no rush to open the window.

Posted 2 December 2001

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark. "OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man."

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.

"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah. "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but Your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a sprinkler system.

"My neighbours objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board.

Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls.

"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind.

"Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filling out an environmental impact statement on Your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the Supreme Being. Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!
"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years."
With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.
"No," said the Lord. "Your government already has."

posted 31 August 00
Thanks to Anita

God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on you back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please give me no more than 20." And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."

The dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny and you shall live for 20 years."

And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren. And it is so.

posted 31 August 00
Thanks to Anita

A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to get his message across to his congregation: "It's so beautiful here in the winter," he said, "that heaven doesn't interest them."

"And it's so hot here in the summer that hell doesn't scare them."

posted 31 August 00

Last Sunday, the pastor of a local church began his sermon with a supposedly true story...

"I was on a plane last week, flying from Chicago to California, when we ran into some very severe turbulence. As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and finally even the flight attendants began to look concerned. Finally, one of them noticed that I had "REV." in front of my name on the passenger list came over to me and said, "Sir, this is really frightening. Do you suppose you could ... I don't know ... do something religious?"

"So I took up a collection."

posted 31 August 00

A little boy was learning about God in his church, and he was talking to his mother about it. She, not wanting to place prejudice in the little boy's mind, sat him and said: "God is not a man or a woman, and God is not black or white." To which the child responded, "Well, then is God Michael Jackson?"

posted 31 August 00

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. Saint Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."

"How current is your copy?" he asks.

"I get a download every ten minutes," Peter replies, "why do you ask?"

"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was immanent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."

"I'm glad to hear that," Peter says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"

The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was this one time when I was drivin' down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of 'em abusing this poor woman, knockin' her around and all.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6 foot 4 inch, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next.

"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"

St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"

"Oh, about three minutes ago."

posted 31 August 00

After church one Sunday morning, a mother commented, "The choir was awful this morning." The father commented, "The sermon was too long." Their 7-year-old daughter added, "You've got to admit it was a pretty good show for a dollar."

posted 5 May 00

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color.

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I though you said I had another 40 years?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

posted 5 May 00

A minister was talking to a man in his congregation one day and encouraged him to be regular in his attendance and to become part of The Lord's Army. The man replied that he was a member of The Lord's Army.

"Why, then, do I only see you at church on Easter and Christmas?", the minister asked.

"Because I'm in the secret service" the man replied!

posted 5 May 00

A man is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught stuck in some railroad tracks. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck in there well. He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming.

He panicked and started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop drinking!"

Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the train was getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop drinking AND swearing!"

Still nothing... and the train was just seconds away! He tried it one last time, "God please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit drinking, swearing, and smoking"

Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to dive out of the way, just as the train passed! He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said... "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."

posted 5 May 00

All Kids do it

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids.

After Creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the First thing he said was:
"Don't".
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve... we got forbidden fruit!" "No way!"
"Yes, way!" "Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" said God (wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants).

A few minutes later God saw his kids having an apple break and was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno" Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own, Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

But there is reassurance in this story: If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it should be a piece of cake for you? Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from the children.

posted 5 May 00

More Church Bulletin Blunders
- a warning to editors to get their work checked and double checked!

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say hell to someone who doesn't care much about you. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

The Outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

Evening massage - 6:00 p.m.

The audience was asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

The Rev. Merriweather spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J. F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's A Terrible Experience."

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success.

Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored all evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

22 members were present at the meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

Today's sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

Hymn 43: "Great God, What Do I See Here?
Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
Hymn 47: "Hark: An Awful Voice Is Sounding"

(On a church bulletin during the minister's illness:)
GOD IS GOOD! Dr. Hargreaves is better.

The 1997 Spring Council retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

posted 5 May 00

A man and woman were seated next to each other on a long flight. The woman takes out her bible and proceeds to read. The man noticed this and comments, "Oh no, not another one of "those"." The woman replies, "What do you mean?" "Do you really believe every thing in that book?" asked the man. "Of course I do. Every sentence, every word, every dot and tittle." answered the woman. "Okay, well then what about Jonah?" the man inquired. "Yes, I believe the story is true," she stated. "You mean to tell me that you believe that a person could survive in the belly of a fish for 3 days? With all the stomach acids and no oxygen? How can you explain this?" the man retorted. "I don't know how he survived, but by the grace of God. But, I will ask Jonah when I get to heaven." the woman said. "What if he's not there?" the man shot back. "Well then, I suppose you'll have to ask him." answered the woman

posted 5 May 00
(submitted by Lynn)

*** Getting hitched in Heavan! ***
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sits for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground! "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Come on!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer!?

posted 12 April 00

We have all learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of modern life. But have you wondered, what if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing this:

Thank you for calling My Father's House. Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for requests

Press 2 for thanksgiving

Press 3 for complaints

Press 4 for all other inquiries

What if God used the familiar excuse... "I'm sorry, all of our angels are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and will answered in the order it was received, so please stay on the line."

Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses as you call God in prayer? If you would like to speak to:

Gabriel, Press 1

Michael, Press 2

For a directory of other Angels, Press 3

If you would like to hear King David sing a psalm while you hold, please Press 4

To find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven, Press 5, enter his or her Social Security number, then press the pound key. (If you get a negative response, try area code 666.)

For reservations at "My Father's House" please enter J-O-H-N followed by 3-1-6.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive here.

Our computers show that you have already prayed once today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow.

This office is closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. Please pray again Monday after 9:30 AM. If you need emergency assistance when this office is closed, contact your local pastor.

posted 12 April 00

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!" At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!" "Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded." Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

posted 12 April 00

A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear; "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."

posted 12 April 00

The Good Samaritan

A Salvation Army man is selling his papers in a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy, and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home.

Being a good Samaritan, the Salvationist agrees, so the bartender writes down the address and gives it to him. The Salvationist walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy, but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The Salvationist helps Mr. Murphy to his feet, but Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a crashing heap.

"Goodness me," the Salvationist says, wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there, he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground again. The Salvationist finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car. He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground again! Finding his patience tested, now, the Salvationist helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down once again. He helps him to his feet just as Mrs. Murphy answers the door. "Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home." "That was nice of you," she says, looking around... "But where's his wheelchair?"

posted 12 April 00

A man walks into the woman's section of a department store and tell the sales clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife. "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?" "There are three types." replies the clerk "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?" Still confused, the man asks "What is the difference in them?" The clerk responds, "It is really very easy. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the Baptist type makes mountain's out of mole hills."

posted 12 April 00

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. "When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began. "You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow. "I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued. "The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him. "Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on. "That would be the usher," Charlie explained. "Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said. "You mean the aisle," Charlie said. "Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued. "Pew," Charlie retorted. "Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."

posted 12 April 00

Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from New York City showed up. Never having seen anyone from the Big Apple at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group. A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone!" "What? All of the New Yorkers are gone?" asked God. "No!" replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly Gates!"

posted 2 April 00

I needed some supplies from a Sunday school cupboard that was seldom used and was secured with a lock. I didn't know the combination, but our clergyman offered to give it a try. Father Jack placed his fingers on the lock's dial and raised his eyes heavenward for a moment. Then he confidently spun the dial and opened the lock. Seeing how impressed I was with this demonstration of faith, he smiled and confided, "The numbers are written on the ceiling."

posted 2 April 00

A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face. "Ouch!" the Chinese man says. "What was that for?" "That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says. "But I'm Chinese!" "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" And the Jewish man sits back down. Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. "Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?" "That was for the Titanic," the Chinese man says. "But that was an iceberg!" "Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

posted 2 April 00

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?" God chuckles, "Everybody knows... Jesus saves."

posted 2 April 00

A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary. On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry. When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting. "Pull down your pants," whispered the pastor. "Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service."

posted 2 April 00

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "YES, I AM!" George W. asked him why he was so uppity and had taken so long to answer him. The man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush, I ended up stuck in a desert for forty years!

There was a little boy sitting on the curb one day. The little tyke had a bottle half full of acid. It seems he was droppin' those big, black ants into it every time he caught one. It made a small puff of smoke shortly after hitting the acid. An old priest came along and was watching the kid drop those ants into oblivion.

Apparently he thought this would be a good time to teach the little squirt the value of life. The priest said to the kid, "What do you have there son?" "Oh, I got some magic water, Father, the boy innocently replied. "See," and *poof* went another ant.

"In my church," says the priest, "we have some magic water too." "Oh Yeah," says the kid, "can it turn ants into water, too?" "No," says the priest, "but I rubbed it on a lady's stomach and she passed a baby." "Big deal!" says the kid. "I squirted some of this under my cat's tail the other day, and he passed a motorcycle!"

It is pouring rain in the flood plain of the Mississippi Valley, and the rising river begins to threaten all manner of private homes, including that of the local Rabbi.

With water coming into the ground floor, a rowboat with police comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous." The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me."

Three hours go by, and the rains intensify, at which point the Rabbi has been forced up to the second floor of his house. A second police rowboat comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous." The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me."

The rain does not stop, and the Rabbi is forced up onto the roof of his house. A helicopter flies over, and the officer shouts down, "Rabbi, grab the rope and we'll pull you up! You're in terrible danger!" The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me."

The deluge continues, and the Rabbi is swept off the roof, carried away in the current and drowns. He goes up to heaven, and at the Pearly Gates he is admitted, and comes before the Divine Presence. The Rabbi asks, "Dear Lord, I don't understand. I've been a righteous observant person my whole life, and depended on you to save me in my hour of need. Where were you?"

And the Lord answered, "Schmuck, I sent two boats and a helicopter, what more do you want?"

An email from God

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called on a female angel and sent her to Earth for a time.

When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good. Well, he thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male angel; to get both points of view. So God called a male angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the male angel returned he went to God and told him yes, the Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good. God said this was not good.

He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good and encourage them a little, something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that E-mail said?

...

Oh! You didn't get one either huh?

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?" "Simple...there was a piece of paper in his hand that said - put me down for 10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

Actual announcements taken from church bulletins:

Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.

Thursday night, potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start, and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the topic will be "What is Hell?". Come early and listen to our choir practice.

The minister was preaching on the evils of drink. He first said he would like to gather up all the wine and dump it in the river. Then he moved on to beer and said he would like to get all the beer and dump it in the river, and then all other forms of alcohol to be dumped into the river. The choir director's face began to show a worried look. The first hymn they were scheduled to sing was "Shall we gather at the river?"

A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much." The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?" The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church, church."

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair!" To which his father replied... "Yes, you're right... and they also WALKED every where they went!"

An overweight colleague of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery. One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic. "This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery.' And sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"

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